2015 Week 2 College Football Predictions

2015 Week 2 College Football Predictions

Damn, offensive line. Do you even block?

2015 Season Record 6-0

Oh sweet baby jesus, this is going to be a long season. More Texas analysis below, but let's just get some of this out of the way. This season is going to HURT. Everybody buckle up and prepare yourself right now for misery. 2016 should (maybe?) be better, but probably not a whole lot. We're in for quite the rebuilding effort here. Ok, now the rest of college football. It's incredibly unfair that Ohio State has two legitimate quarterbacks who could run two different kinds of offenses and be successful no matter what, AND they get Braxton Miller who can apparently do this:

What the hell IS that? As bad as UT is right now, Ohio State is that good. Man, let's not even talk about it. I'm getting physically ill watching that gif. Elsewhere in the country, Alabama pulled out a good win on Wisconsin, Texas A&M looks to be a year ahead of schedule, Auburn, Georgia, Oregon, and pretty much everyone except Stanford handled business in week one. Notre Dame also won a game against an unnamed opponent. MOVING ON.

Ohio State 63 - Hawaii 13

Cardale Jones looks like a big goofy teddy bear who doesn't know how strong he is, and that's pretty much how he played on Saturday. Making plays you shouldn't really be able to make unless you're bigger, stronger, and faster than everyone on the field, Cardale did everything Urban Meyer asked him and more. The only thing I didn't like was how many hits he took. Big guy or not, getting hit 10 times a game eventually wears on a player. It sure would suck to lose their starting qb like this. UNLESS THEY HAD ANOTHER GODDAMN AMAZING QB RIGHT BEHIND HIM. I'm legitimately upset that Ohio State gets all of this talent right now. In the 4th quarter, JT Barrett wandered on the field for like 6 plays. In that time he gained 30 yards on a read option and threw a beautiful pass to a wide open receiver for a touchdown. Neither of these things have happened for a UT quarterback in the last three games we've played going back to last year. #notbitteratall. Hawaii is a nice state. I someday hope to visit it. 

Tennessee 27 - Oklahoma 23

Alright, Tennessee. This is it. You've been waiting years for a legitimate shot. You've got a bunch of young talent, solid players on both sides of the ball, and a competent quarterback. You even get the Sooners at home! Oklahoma is starting a quarterback who couldn't win the job at Texas Tech.... Please don't screw this up. 

Mississippi State 24 - LSU 17

I had no idea this game was happening until I read it like 5 minutes ago. Mississippi State gets Dak Prescott, Heisman dark horse candidate, back. LSU counters with monster-man Leonard Fournette who was bred in a swamp somewhere to play football and eat gumbo. AND HE'S ALL OUT OF GUMBO! No, that's totally a lie. There's plenty of Gumbo in Louisiana. Ring the cowbells, bulldogs. 

Michigan State 35 - Oregon 24

I don't know how to approach this game. On one hand, Oregon is fast. But Michigan State is a darker shade of green. This math doesn't work out incredibly well, so we'll have to go a little deeper. Oregon won last week, but gave up 42 points to Eastern Washington, who up until right now I actually thought was just a national park. Michigan State also won, but had a close game against Western Michigan. Oregon's QB was hurt, Michigan State's QB is kind of a dork, Oregon has Nike, Michigan State is sadly in the state of Michigan. If my equation is correct, this all adds up to Nike's Phil Knight losing to a member of the Ford family in a high stakes game of craps. CAPITALISM!

Texas Football

If you listen closely, you can hear Notre Dame still feasting on our linemen's souls. That was basically one of the most painful experiences of my life. Coming into the first game I didn't really know what to expect. We could have been decent! We could have bulked up over the summer and everyone could have leveled up a few points like NCAA Football offseasons where your QB gains 5 points of awareness and can finally throw all the routes you want to. Unfortunately, this game was more like when you forget to recruit for about 3 years and you have to start a bunch of players with an overall ranking of 54 at various spots (sorry, Dylan Haines). It's really hard to evaluate the skill players because our line was absolutely destroyed on every play. You can't tell how well a receiver runs routes or see what kind of field vision your running backs have when the quarterback doesn't have time to do a three step drop (!!!!) or even hand the damn ball off. Things weren't much better on the other side of the ball. There was a legitimate discussion over whether or not Notre Dame was going to let Malik Zaire throw the ball before our game. All he did was go 19/22 for 313  yards and 3 touchdowns. Last SEASON he was 21 for 35 with 266 yards and 1 touchdown. So yeah, he torched us. We didn't get any pressure up front and our defensive backs weren't playing great coverage anyway. The lone bright spot on defense, or anywhere really, was Malik Jefferson. The dude did everything possible to keep us in the game and made by far our best plays of the night. I hope we're able to build something around him in the future. 

That's all in the past though. Notre Dame is over and we have to consider the future now. I, for one, have resorted to the healing power of crystals. I drunkenly bought a crystal necklace of unknown origin after the game last week, and I plan on filling it with positive energy. I suggest you all do the same. So far this week UT has changed offensive coordinators, swindled the Texas Tech band out of some extra cash, and not gotten beat up by the women's soccer team. I'd call that progress. You can all thank me and my crystal at your earliest convenience. 

Football wise, I'll admit it: I'm scared of this Rice game. We're UT, right? No way we can lose to Rice....right?!?!? Honestly though, I don't know. That Notre Dame game went so poorly in all phases that I just don't know exactly what we have anywhere. I mean....it's Rice.... I just don't know, man. I DON'T KNOW! This game should be a better indicator of our team and I really wish we'd played them first. I expect us to be able to run an offense tomorrow, at least. Chin up. Longhorns. We'll get through this. Just remember we're playing for the future. Hook 'em. 

Texas 27 - Rice 13