2016 Pre-Season Desires

2016 Pre-Season Desires

Welcome back.

I'll be honest, I don't remember much about the 2015 season. I vaguely remember watching Alabama beat Clemson in between beers, Mark Richt transferring to Miami because they had a better English program, Michigan blowing a game on a dropped punt (hilarious), and some very confusing emotions around Texas football.

So because nobody has played any games yet and I'm too lazy to do any actual research on teams outside of Texas, I'm just going to list out some of my strongest wishes and desires for this season. 

I want Baylor to shut down their football program.

I won't pretend I didn't have a strong, borderline medical condition-like hatred for Baylor before it was shown that people in their administration including football coaches, athletic directors and school presidents knew about athletes committing sexual assaults on campus and did nothing. But watching people worry more about the safety of their football wins than the safety of women on campus pushed me into a whole new, previously undiscovered level of grumpiness. Winning football is a lot of fun. It does great things for people, schools, even the towns the programs are located in. But sacrificing people for it is pretty gross. Break down the stadium, sell all the pieces, and turn that plot of land into a Psychology building to figure out a way to fix your problems, Bears. 

P.S. Penn State too, Joe Pa can go to hell. And don't think I've forgot about you, Florida State...

I want everyone to take a break before going on.

Whew! Sorry about the rough intro, football fans. Now let's make some jokes!

I want Texas to beat Notre Dame so bad that Lou Holtz throws up all that Crown Royal he drank at the RNC.

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask? 

I want Charlie Strong to live forever and guide us to the promised land.

If at any point in this season, haters start poking their stupid heads out of their stupid hovels to demand we change coaches, I will just be very upset and not happy. You have one day.

I want Jim Harbaugh to star in a new music video every week.

I can't really decide if I like Jim Harbaugh or not. He has many qualities I appreciate, like a complete disregard for social etiquette, a passionate hatred for Ohio State, and a childlike enthusiasm for yelling catch phrases. But there's just something about him I can't reconcile my values with.

I want another Texas A&M quarterback to transfer away.

Over the summer, 5-star recruit, Tate Martell, decommitted from A&M. This did not sit well with a wide receiver coach who thinks #millenials are #soft. Add this to the list of quarterbacks who have transferred in the past few years citing a poor culture and lack of trust in the coaching staff following the Manziel era, and you end up with a lot of sad Aggies. Is this the year the SwagCopter gets permanently grounded???? 

I want Brent Musburger to retire.

Musburger, who just signed a multi-year contract with ABC/ESPN in June, is the worst person in America. Brent Musburger eats pizza with a fork and knife. Brent Musburger wears socks with sandals. Brent Musburger plays PokemonGo and names his Pokemon after players' girlfriends. Brent Musburger voted for Chris Christie. Brent Musburger didn't like the Ghostbusters remake because the technology didn't make sense to him. Brent Musburger thinks the Rio Olympics are a great idea. Brent Musburger....thinks Taylor Swift did nothing wrong. Know your enemy.

I want more Muschamp Face.

Aww yeah, that's the good stuff.

Steve Spurrier is gone. College football is without the most entertaining coach maybe in the history of the sport. Will Muschamp is a completely different type of person, but is possibly even more insane than The Ol' Ball Coach. Dabo Swinney, who's only sin is being part of Clemson, has clearly become a target of Crazy Eyes here. South Carolina might not be the best team this year, but I'll watch every game to get me some Muschamp Face.

I want to lay on my couch from 8:00 am midnight in a pile of beer cans, clad in a Tebow jersey, Twittering at people with tears in my eyes when they don't agree with me, laughing at signs making fun of Lee Corso, replaying highlights in my mind and replacing all the players with me, taking in the sweet nectar of the Gods that is college football.

Every.

Single.

Saturday.

....and sometimes other days of the week too when they do Thursday games, or those weird other time slots.