2016 Week 1: Texas

Is Blood Magic Banned Under The NCAA?

Please, help me....

Texas lost their first game of the 2015 season to Notre Dame 38 to 3 in South Bend, Indiana. By all accounts, the closest place to an actual hell on earth outside of College Station, which is actual hell.

We all knew it was possible Texas wouldn't show up for the game. We had a lot of first time starters, a new offense, the game was away, the pressure was all on us. But having the game broadcast in primetime to everyone around the world added an extra layer of pain to the experience. I know somewhere in a tiny village in India, a child's first experience with American Football was thinking "Man, Longhorns suk."

In the week after this game, I found myself in a crystal shop after a few drinks and felt something. Something in the store was calling to me in an otherworldly voice. I stumbled around the store until I came upon a glass showcase with all manner of rings, bracelets, and jewelry. But one necklace in particular seemed to be staring back at me. 

I had the nice crystal lady take out this burnt orange necklace for me and I knew instantly it belonged with me. From that day forward, the crystal and I were one. 

The rest of the season was an emotional rollercoaster, but for every game I wore the crystal and poured a lot of energy into it. Good energy, bad energy, confused energy. ALL of the energy.

Sometime before this season started I was reading an article on UT football when I heard that otherworldly voice again. The same I heard in the crystal shop. It was in my mind, in my heart, in every inch of my body. It seemed to take me away to another planet and then bring me back to Austin, Texas in the blink of an eye. And in that moment, a pact was made.....

Texas 35 - Notre Dame 17

Here's the deal, guys. I literally can't take another bad season. I'm about 87% sure I  made a blood pact with the demon that lives in my crystal that Texas would be good this year and if we aren't then the terms of the contract seem to be that a large piece of my soul gets consumed in the Eternal Fire of this demon's world at the conclusion of the season.

As a result of this pact, I'm all in. Texas is going to crush this year. All day and all night. We have like 9 running backs that could start for the Cleveland Browns right now and everyone of them remembers last year. Jerrod Heard is now a receiver so we can run some fun as hell wideout bubble screen double pass plays. Malik Jefferson has ascended from our mortal plane and is actually a demi-god at this point. Charlie Strong wants this so bad and the team wants it for him. 

Quarterback is a big question. In fact, the whole new offensive philosophy under Sterlin Gilbert is a big question. I know a lot of people want Shane Buechele to start right away, and I think he eventually will be successful. But I believe we're going to see more of Tyrone Swiggity Swoopes today and that's a good thing. Tyrone has been through hell in his time at Texas. He was supposed to redshirt his freshman year, but our quarterbacks at the time were David Ash and Case McCoy sooooo..... The next season was Charlie Strong's first and Tyrone had to dive into the fire of an entirely new team who had just gone through a round of cuts that kicked about 20 players out of the program, and then he was thrust into the starting role when David Ash suffered what ended up to be the last concussion of his career. In 2015, Tyrone admittedly disappointed in the debut against Notre Dame, but the odds weren't stacked in his favor. He got better as the year went on and eventually took back the starting job after Jerrod Heard suffered an injury and delivered a huge road win at Baylor. Side note, go to hell Baylor.

The 2016 Texas Longhorns should be the best team Tyrone has ever been on and I expect him to play like it.

HOT TAEK: Notre Dame isn't that good! Notre Dame is in Indiana which isn't even a real state. Their quarterbacks hate each other and think their coach is a joke. This program once gave Charlie Weis a contract that they're STILL paying him out on. Charlie Weis got fired from Notre Dame and THEN got fired from coaching Kansas, which didn't even realize they had a football team until an accountant noticed the stupid shit contract they gave Charlie Weis. Notre Dame has all the pressure now. Nobody outside of Austin even really cares about us anymore, so we can just go out and play football. Plus Notre Dame is probably looking ahead of us to one of the military schools they play later in the year. NICE SCHEDULE YOU GOT THERE, IRISH.

So look, we need some good energy for this game. I'll be leaving the relative safety of my computer desk to go tailgate and be close to the stadium. Come early, be loud, stay late, Texas Fight. Texas win.

Because if we don't, my soul will be consumed in an eternal lake of flames....

Update: WE HAVE A NEW BEVO! LONG MAY HE REIGN!